I See You

I see you.

Do you see me?

They tell me you do.

But I don't know.

Because maybe you are just -- nice.

or do you know that time is short?

or do you think it's not worth it?

Whichever way, whatever you feel --

Feel It.

When excitement curdles

So I have been super excited all week to get back to school for cheer-camp! So so so excited! I've been facebook chatting with my coach! He told me that there is a male mascot who just signed on! So now I have a partner in crime! I've just been off the wall excited and ready to move in on Saturday. But then...I got to Charlotte. Which was good cuz I got to hang out with Ruthie but I also learned some very imperative news from her. The girl who put her name down on the storage unit six of us share changed the combo lock to a lock. So I am hoping that the key comes to Ruthie's in the mail today...otherwise I go back to school without it...and wait til Sunday when Ruthie comes with the key. And then cheer starts at lunch on Sunday...and I'll be busy with that all week. I know it's not the end of the world and I'm not mad at anyone. Actually I'm very greatful for the flexability of my friends. Ruthie's letting me sleep over one more day, Meg got her mom to overnight the key, and Cesa is coming all the way to pick me up! The whole ordeal had kindof curddled my ecxitement though. Every time I write about a bad situtation...it seems not so bad when I'm done. I guess it's actually funny. ha!


p.s. is it bad to have a crush on Jack Black?...

and a pumpkin turned into a bike!

Last year my brother raised a giant pumpkin. And by raised, I mean babied! The vine grew one 200 lb pumpkin and another 400 lb pumpkin! And while it grew so did an idea. An idea that would raise almost $3,000! A 9-year-old girl who lives up the street from us needed a bike, a very expensive bike. So my brother sold the seeds to raise funds. It's called Pumpkins For A Purpose and he hopes to support another family with this year's seeds!


Please look at this video of her testing it out! My brother is just following with his hand to guide and occasionally brake. All the power is hers!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ud3vb56rh-g

I let my fingers loose on what my brain's saying today(sorry if it's choppy and unsequential)

What is sexuality. Yes that question ends in a period. Because that's how it sounds in my head, "What is sexuality." Very monotone. and it ends like that, I think, because it is so deep and so overwhelming that I cannot give it an emotional tone.

It seems like it's this force, this drive in our lives that we all possess. I have a mommy and a daddy...because they had sex. But that's probably not why they had sex, right? They had sex because their minds and bodies drove them crazy! They had this innate need for...shall we call it "stimulation"? and as a child I grew up, wanting to be a mommy...which means, in my child's-mind, I would need a husband to fall in love with. So as a child I wanted to have sex and didn't even know it.

I remember my mom giving me sex ed. "The semen attaches to the ovum and that grows into a baby." Well that didn't make a lot of sense..."How does it get there?" "The penis goes into the vagina." "............." That was disgusting. *choke* I though it just crawled out of the man, across the streets, and into the woman, but someone else's body part goes INSIDE MINE! That is sooo gross!

And then I grew up. This is not to say I've lost my virginity, no I think I still have that. But it is to say...I grew into some legit romantic feelings...and when I turned 18 I got a boyfriend..ya I know...very rebellious for the daughter of Southern Baptist parents. And that was..an experience. I definitely allowed myself to be manipulated into things I was definitely not mentally, emotionally, or spiritually prepared for. And if we hadn't broken up when I left for college I probably would be a ravaged spirit.

We all have our stories. We all have our sex. But where does it come from? And why does it rule us? Why do we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of? or ridiculed? Why is it supposedly "wrong to be gay". I guess I'm on two spectrum here....the conservative christian and leftist hippie. My life conflicts itself. I was raised to believe sex before marriage and homosexuality are wrong. But you know what? I have yet to find a place in the Bible that says, don't have sex till you are married. I'm not saying that I'm not saving my virginity..I'm honestly to scared to expose myself to sexual diseases...or pregnancy, or emotional attachment. I know myself too well. It would not be good. And I like the idea that it is a super rare and precious thing to do for someone to show that you have been thinking of them, and protecting them your entire life. But I don't think it's WRONG to have sex. Paul suggested we be single to serve God, but he also acknowledged that some people just can't do it and says they should marry...so how do you think he knew that? Christians were having sex, unwed! So have sex. But be smart. It comes with consequences and responsibility.

and homosexuality. I don't think it's a plea for attention...it's not like someone woke up one day at then end of their emotional rope and said, "I'm gonna be gay!" No. I believe it is a very real and very true inner struggle to figure out. And I'm done having a bad attitude toward people who are so alone in this inner battle. You can tell me you're gay. I'm not gonna bash you...or blush...or tell you your a sinner just for being gay. But I am gonna want you to be smart and to respect your body and not put it through hell. Please don't sleep around and expose yourself to life-sucking disease and emotional pain when you can still find someone out there who loves you and wants to be with you for life!

I still don't really know what sexuality is...I think I just don't want to limit myself to the Sunday school version anymore. I want to love everyone no matter where they are in life. I want to be a different kind of Christian. I don't want to be put in with the stereotyped conservative nutcase role. I want to love you because that's what we are here for and that is was Jesus is all about.

I love you.

Blue wine glass

Last night I dreamed that I was carrying a bunch of wine glasses to the sink. I had too many. So I put one, the only blue one, in my mouth to hold it with my teeth. But I was clenching down too hard and it shattered in my mouth. Shards of glass were stuck in my cheeks and I tasted blood. I, for some reason, could see inside my mouth and it was a bloody, blue-glass mess of a tongue. I tried not to swallow any of it and spit the pieces into the sink, while letting the other, clear glasses slip from my arms and onto the spattered blood metal.

Envy

At the gym I see a beautiful girl,
more gorgeous than simple me.

Long shapely legs.
abdomen flat.
high cheek bones.
soft expression.

Man.
I wish I had all of that

Wrinkles

Is it strange that I want wrinkles?
Marks that trace expression deep into my face?
Smile lines, frown lines, question marks, periods, exclamations,
etched permanently around my
mouth, eyebrows, forehead, nose?
Not age do I want,
but life!
My story,
any story
ready to make
right here
with my face!